This week, we continue examining Sam and Alex's workplace conflict to understand their needs and interests. Last week, we introduced their conflict and their initial positions. Now, let’s see what happens during mediation.
Example Mediation: Sam & Alex's Journey to Understanding
In mediation, Sam and Alex begin by stating their positions. Sam wants Alex transferred to another department, and Alex wants all joint projects reassigned to Alex’s team. These positions quickly escalate the conflict, leaving both parties feeling frustrated.
The mediator asks questions to uncover what’s behind these positions:
How has the conflict affected you at work and at home?
How did you feel during and after the conflict?
How would you have liked to be treated?
What do you want for the future?
As they begin to listen and open up, tensions start to ease.
Sam tells Alex they had no right to blame them publicly. Sam feels Alex shares responsibility for reporting on their teams’ projects and resents being treated like an assistant. Alex, on the other hand, feels Sam tried to make them look bad, especially since Sam agreed to help two weeks earlier, knowing they always collaborate on quarterly reports.
Eventually, Sam apologizes for missing the deadline, explaining that the last two weeks were overwhelming with work and personal stress, including a family member’s illness. Sam lost track of time and assumed they would review the data together before the QBR.
Alex responds with compassion, asking about Sam’s mother. Alex also apologizes for abruptly ending the meeting and blaming Sam at the QBR. Alex explains they took on more responsibility to pursue a promotion, leading to increased workload and reliance on Sam to highlight their shared successes.
The mediator helps reveal that Sam felt overwhelmed and unappreciated, leading to burnout and distraction. Sam wants to work in a collaborative environment, which they believe will reduce stress and foster mutual respect.
Alex felt undermined and humiliated by Sam, interpreting the lack of attention as disrespect and a power play. Alex wants to feel respected as an equal first, and needs recognition from their peers and management. They know that collaboration leads to a better work product that will support their request for promotion.
Both realize they haven’t communicated effectively, relying on old assumptions from past collaboration. They acknowledge that their teams have successfully worked together before, earning recognition and respect for their collaborative achievements.
Through mediation, they agree on the importance of continued collaboration and communication. They decide to hold weekly team meetings to balance the workload and improve cooperation.
Identifying Needs & Interests: Sam and Alex’s Realizations
Sam’s Needs & Interests:
Appreciation: Recognition for their hard work
Collaboration: Working better together as a team
Respect: Being treated as an equal to Alex
Alex’s Needs & Interests:
Respect: Being treated as an equal by Sam
Reputation: Looking good in front of managers and getting promoted
Collaboration: Creating a better work product that garners recognition
These are just some of the many needs and interests of these parties. While Sam and Alex both value respect and collaboration, they approach these needs from different perspectives. Sam feels respected through collaboration, which also helps manage stress, but needs their efforts appreciated before they can fully commit. For Alex, they need to feel respected first in order to collaborate, which then supports their reputation and promotion goals.
How to Identify Your Own Needs and Interests in Conflict
If you’re in conflict, ask yourself which needs are in play. Once you identify your core needs and interests, you can think more creatively about solutions. Try to identify the other party’s needs and interests to see if one of your solutions could work for them.
Here are a few common core needs to reflect on when in conflict:
Acceptance
Acknowledgement
Affiliation
Appreciation
Approval
Autonomy
Communication
Financial Security
Freedom
Intimacy
Love
Physical & Emotional Safety
Recognition
Respect
Role
Status
Trust
Truth
Understanding
Which of these are most important to you?
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